Stupid gorgeous, perfect people.

No offense to all my beautiful friends.

:D

I'm almost starting to hate love songs.

Time to switch my focus.

It's hard, but you have her heart.

I don't have his. I don't even know if I ever will.

Aw, darn. I forgot my paycheck. But hey, it's not like it's that big anyway. So who cares?

Indeed;

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God replied: "So she would love you."

Watching "You've got mail!";

Ian Taylor: "That's you."
Me: "Shut up, Taylor!"
...
"You're right, that is me."

Hold on, hold on!

When the current pulls you under, and your heart beats like thunder. Just give me your hand.

Come back, hug me;

Make everything okay.

May I admit how much I love this?

I really miss you;

Michael Villalobos, you're the first person I'm looking for when I get to heaven.

Wow, I have a grand total of eight hours to work this week.

Awesome.

I want to go to church!

These people;

They've had my heart ever since I was a little girl.

And honestly, I don't even know what I can do for them.

If I can even do anything.

Or what Christ would have me do.

But China, you have my heart.

I've been there a thousand times;

I've felt the rain like a thousand knives, and it hurts!

I know it hurts.

Wow, I did really bad on the SAT.

Guess I'm taking the ACT again.

There's only;

That's just the way it goes, a word now to the wise: the world was made to change.

Forget it;

Tonight, not even my broken car will get me down.
Tonight, not even you, not even the things you say, not even the years of buried hurts are going to get me.
I can do this.

Just shut up and walk away, Phoebe.

Shut up and walk away.

Talked to my Jesus for I don't even know how long;

His response?
Silence. The most beautiful, perfect silence, with the most precious presence filling me up. I don't even want to talk, listen to music, nothing. In fact, typing is breaking this beautiful silence, but I have to tell you.


Guys, I'm broken. Just in case you haven't noticed from reading all the junk I post. (Seriously, why do I even post all this?) I'm so broken. But it's mainly selfishness. I know what I want, but when it's not what God wants, geez. We fight all the time. 
I mean, I have this boy, right? Okay, he's not mine yet, but he's "mine". And it's not like God is saying, "no, you can't have him", he's just saying, "that should not be your priority right now". How right he is!
I'm also taking 16 credits at school. Ugh, sometimes I seriously just want to quit. What do I care about an AA, I just want to have babies. For real.
And, friend problems. Sometimes I get really heavy-laden with all the world's problems and everything that goes on and everyone I try to help and can't. Then I break down and wonder why no one notices. Today, I went through my phone contacts, trying to find someone, anyone, who I could call for help. Because this was one of the rare times that I knew I needed help, and I would've been willing to accept it. But there was no one. I knew none of the people would have the time, or (most of them) the interest. So I didn't call. I just asked God for someone to help me. Anyone.
(Reflectively, why was I not smart enough to ask Jesus to help me? I am such an idiot.)
So, tonight at 9:58 PM, Barrett Nugent called me. And I've never talked to him on the phone before, okay? So I was y'know, nervous since I hate phone conversations most of the time anyway. I really wasn't sure how much help he would be. Seriously, he's a boy, I'm a girl, and I barely know him.
But this is what he said, the hour he spent telling me what to do summarized:
"Phoebe, don't give up hope. I know it's hard (long story about himself which was super helpful, but not to be gone into detail about), but God is always there. I know you don't want to ask for help sometimes, because you don't want people to see your weakness, but your weakness shows God's strength. Trust me, I've been there. We try to go through life too fast, then we trip and skin our nose and skin our knees, and then we ask 'why?'. But God is always willing to pick us back up again. Focus on him, because only he can satisfy."
"Focus on him. Only he can satisfy." Exactly what Jesus has been trying to get through my lame little head for the past... oh, 17 years or so. In short, God used my not-so-great request to turn my eyes back to him. This doesn't mean I should keep asking for people to run to, but it does show the power and the love and the compassion of an Almighty God.
What an amazing God I serve. <3

Hey God?

Have I ever mentioned how amazing you are at answering prayer?

The only person who asked was someone I've met once.

You don't have anyone to talk to?

Oh, I guess I'm invisible.

Seriously? I'm not going to listen to that song. It'll make me cry.

Little Sunshine!

Wow, I really miss him.

Why am I getting letters from every college except the one I want to go to?

Me: "I'm in such a bad mood. I just want to be with _____."
Mikey: "That's your answer to everything, isn't it?"
Me: "No! Well. No."

You have no idea what I'd give to be with you right now.

No church.

No Lake Wales;

Stupid car engine overheating.
I just want to sleep.
Youth group tonight, maybe?
:\

I hate my life so much right now.

I will want nothing else;

To see me through. <3

Coughed so hard I threw up;

I know, that's too much information. I just thought I'd let you know how horrible this is. ;D

Bear always posts such encouraging stuff;

I love it. :)

It's been too long;

I miss every little hug.

Every single letter.

Every single talk.

And I really would rather not be needy.

So I'll just say,

I miss every little thing.

It's been too long.

¡Me voy!

Going to Lake Wales tomorrow. :)

I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls;

You know those people that drive you crazy, that even at the mention of their name, you feel like you're burning up? Those people who you absolutely cannot stand, no matter what they do or how long it's been since their last offense. Those people that you say, "man, I love them 'cause Christ loves them, but I don't have to like them"?


Yeah. I have no profound words for dealing with those kinds of people. I'm not so good at handling that myself. All I can say is, pray for them. And no, not like the song "I pray your brakes go out running down a hill, I pray a flower pot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like too". (I Pray for You by Jaron and the Long Road to Love)
Really and truly pray for them. It does wonders.

I have a lot of homework;

Well, I guess it's nap time. :)

Just believe me;

I love you.

I don't want a whatever.

I don't want a yeah right.

I don't want a blog post explaining why you don't believe me.

I just want you to believe me.

Sister;

You tell everyone that I hate you. That I think you're annoying. That I think you talk too much. That I never take you anywhere. That I don't care.
The truth is, I do care. I think you're beautiful. I think you're amazing. If you ever don't believe that, just look down at the necklace that we share. I wear mine every day, every single day so that you won't forget that I love you. You're smart, you're funny. You're pretty, popular, everybody likes you. Don't you dare ever start thinking that everyone hates you, because they don't. Don't you ever start hating yourself the way I did.
I don't want you to turn out like me.

I'm still so sick;

I just want to get better. I hate this.

This cough makes it impossible to sleep;

So how come today, I can't stop smiling?

How come today, I have this overwhelming amount of hope?

Aw;

;)

All I ever needed;

You know the effort I have given,

and you know exactly what it cost.

and though my innocence was taken,

not everything is lost.

Not everything is lost!

But your love, your love!

The only thing that matters is your love.

Your love is all I have to give!

Your love is enough to light up the darkness!

It's your love.

Tired of fighting for it;

Tired.

I sound so funny;

But laughing at myself makes me cough. :P

"I notice that everybody for abortion has already been born." –– Ronald Reagan
Bam.

Seems like all I really know how to do;

Is wait on someone just like you. <3

Sister Approval;

Lila: "Phoebe... it's okay if you marry him."
Me: "YES!"

'Cause everything works, love;

Everything works in your arms. <3

Took me an hour to organize my binders;

I'm gonna have to start keeping up with those.

Secret #19;

Timing is everything.

Okay. What? :)

Me: "Lila, you wanna do weird things. Like go to Canada. I just wanna do normal things."
Lila: "Like marry _____?"
Me: "Yeah! Wait. That's not normal."

Mrs. N.: "Hi Phoebe, I was just wondering if you had a moment to pray for Taylor-"
Me: *ugh, not this again*
Mrs. N.: "He's pitching the championship game."
Me: "Phew."

Matt: "I am not a part of this system! So don't do drugs, okay?"
Me: "Okay. What?"

Tom: "When our first kid falls of his bike, I'm gonna be like 'Ahahahahah! Oh crap. You're bleeding. Let's go find your mom.'"
Me: "I will beat you."

This right here;

Is why. <3

I'm so sick today;

But much more at peace. Thank you, Jesus.

And if you never grant us peace;

Oh, but Jesus, would you please?

You pretty much make me excessively happy;

Even when you're stressed out.
Even when you don't talk to me.
Even when all I can do is smile at you across the room.
Even when I don't agree with you.
Even when you talk about stuff I don't understand.
All the time. <3

You're essential to survive;

I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into. <3

And I sound needy now. Awesome.

I miss you. And I need you. I know you don't believe me anymore. I know you have all these other great friends who help you way more than I ever did. I know you don't think I care or understand. And I'm scared.
Honestly, all I want is for you to do something. Anything. I just want you to hug me, even when I'm mad at you. I just want you to be there.
I just want to stop fighting with you. Forever.

Confession #5;

So, so what?

I am a rockstar.

I got my rock moves.

And I don't need you tonight.

And I still need you tonight.

Secret #18;

Everything about you makes me smile. :)

Confession #4;

I just want you to surprise me with a hug.
You never do.
I always hug you first.

Guess what?

Just because I try to help you move on doesn't mean I don't understand.
The reason I try is because I do, and I know what's waiting at the end of the tunnel for you.

My medicine;

I just want a Danny hug.

A Dewey hug would be amazing too. :)

I'd rather see you;

But listening to you smile is fine by me. :)

Dear Ancient Greeks;

You, your nude men, your philosophy, AND the 100 question test about you can go die.

Not that my night was going great, but that ruined it.
Or rather, I ruined it.

Watching the Dark Knight for the first time;

I am so stinking excited. :)

I'm going back to keeping a diary;

Don't worry, blog. You shall not be abandoned. :)

Waiting on breath;

I don't really want to complain on here anymore, but this is my only outlet so here goes.

I wish my mama would renew my prescription for my inhaler. It's all gone. I know she doesn't know how uncomfortable not being able to fill up your lungs all the way really is, but it really isn't very fun. I just. I want to breathe like a normal person.

Mama, I know you don't know that I'm not exaggerating. I know you don't know that this isn't getting better, it's getting worse. I know you don't know how scary attacks are without an inhaler. Just. I need a new one. Please?

Breathe. Keep breathing, body. I promise it will be okay.

No Matter What;

I know you have your reasons for everything.

I can't;

I can't play video games with my little brother, I can't take my sister shopping, I can't do well on my science quizzes, I can't go to my buddy's games ever apparently, I can't be optimistic about school, I can't do the speech I want to do, I can't get rid of this present darkness.
I can't do anything.
I feel like a failure.
Man, I overreact way too much. I need a chill pill.

I'm not ready to let you go yet;

I will keep waiting a while longer. A long while longer.

p.s. I actually designed this and took this picture, I didn't steal it from tumblr this time. (it's pen)

My most precious gift;

^The most precious thing in the world^

^The most amazing little girl^

I can honestly say I've never loved anyone the way I have loved her.

You think I laugh a lot when I'm with you;

You should see me with him. <3

Darkness won't take me;

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but ... against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness..."
This present darkness has no hold on me. <3

Autumn Nights;

Nights at the outdoor pool are amazing now, because it's too cold for people to swim and so no one comes. So, all the lifeguards basically clean everything up, get all the closing work done, then sit around and do very little. The entire pool has been Mr. Scrubbied (which, if you don't know what that is, it's when all the tiles around the edges are scrubbed), the chairs are all straight, windows cleaned, lane lines in. Cattie is probably my favorite person to close with, she's really funny, super sarcastic, and she does her job and doesn't make fun of me for doing mine.

Cattie: "Tell me a story, Phoebe."
Me: "I... don't know any stories."
Cattie: "Tell me one right now or I will tell John Wheeler you have a crush on him."
Me: "Ew! I do not!"
(No. I really don't. He's her least favorite person at the pool, though, so this was her threat.)


I will miss this. :\

Secret #17;

If I could, I'd spend a whole day with you splashing you in puddles, telling you unimportant secrets, taking pictures, making up songs, telling kiddy jokes, watching silly movies, making cookies..

Anything to make you smile.

A penny for my thoughts, oh no. I'll sell them for a dollar;

Maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singin'.

So put on your best, boys. And I'll wear my pearls;

Finally thought of some words for this picture. This is my unbiological little brother, my encourager, my friend, my partner in crime, my ditching-Ian buddy, my goofball. 

He keeps me sane, even when I get frustrated with him.

I'll be out of my mind, and you'll be out of ideas pretty soon;

My buddy! He is so stinkin' tall. :)

You are more than precious to me.

What happened?

I don't even know what to do anymore.

Confession #3;

It's not that I want you to stop apologizing when you treat me that way. Because I know it's sincere.
It's just. I wish you would change something. So you wouldn't have to say sorry anymore.

I think I understand you;

But then I don't. And none of this makes sense.

Awkward?

Sheila (Aqua fitness instructor): "You look so different with clothes on!"
Me: "Heh.."
Just for clarification, we were in a work meeting and I wasn't in my uniform. My uniform is a swimsuit. So what she meant was I look different with normal clothes on. Heh. Awkward.

To my Sweet Baboo;

Sally: "See this valentine I made for Linus? On the inside it says 'to my sweet baboo'."
Charlie Brown: "He says he's not your sweet baboo!"
Sally: "What does he know?"

You alone, Oh Lord, make me dwell in safety;

My friend, and now coworker is really sick, guys. He was sickish last Friday, he looked horrible last Tuesday and now he's bleeding internally. He lost 8 pounds in as little as two days. The doctors don't know what it is. He's been to the hospital, and he really should be in there now, but he can't sleep so his parents took him out. They're checking for cancer now. Cancer?

And this kid is awesome. Everybody at work likes him. He's 16, so healthy, so athletic. He did beach lifeguard training, first responder training and all that. And if you don't know, that course is insane. It's hard. I couldn't do it. He's a good kid, too. He's really nice, and he always smiles, even when another coworker is treating him unfairly. I love working with him.

So, if you're reading this, you are the resistance.

No wait.

I mean, if you're reading this, please pray.

(Psalm 4:8) "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, oh Lord, make my dwell in safety."

You make it out like you're the only innocent one;

Everybody else is wrong and you do nothing wrong. And I listen, and you think I'm getting it.
But honestly, it's hard for me to believe a word you say.

This is what you were made for;

So I watched a video tonight with an abortion survivor (Gianna Jessen) speaking about her experiences. And although she said many, many amazing things, I'm going to take some of her quotes "out of context" really fast and use them to my own advantage. ;)
"Men. You were born for greatness.... What kind of man do you want to be? A man obsessed with your own glory, or a man obsessed with the glory of God?"
I love this. I know in our culture women love to beat men down, myself included. I also know that men, from the beginning of time, have not been living up to their gift of greatness. Greatness, to some of you, means nothing more than wanting to be the biggest fish in the pond. Greatness–in God's eyes, in the only eyes that matter–is being obsessed with His glory. And also, to protect and fight for the women in your life, to honor them and not to abuse them in words or in actions.
"Women... you were made to be fought for, forever."
Women, so many of us have forgotten what beauty it is when we are fought for! Not fought over, fought for. To be protected, to be reminded what value and worth we have as daughters of a King. To be defended by the guardians God made for us. This is love! What love God has for us in that he gave us a much more powerful partner to be the strength and the leader that I know I personally can't be. You were not made to beat yourself down, nor were you made to lower the men in your life below the standard God has already set for them.

"If you think I'm a fool";

"That's just another jewel in my crown. My whole intent in living here is to make God smile."

-Gianna Jessen, Abortion Survivor

I could've sworn;

I could've sworn I swept up those lovebugs.
I could've sworn I didn't love you.
I could've sworn I did the dishes.
I could've sworn I had it so good.
I could've sworn those lane lines fit last time.
I could've sworn I'd understand.
I could've sworn I made cookies.
I could've sworn he was all right yesterday.
I could've sworn my laptop was here a second ago.
I could've sworn I knew what to do.
I could've sworn my cell phone was charged five minutes ago.

I loved her first;

I loved her first
I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew that the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it's still hard to give her away
I loved her first.


I don't think my Dad likes country, but I wanna play this at my wedding anyway.


Daddy, I loved you first. <3

How do you even get that adorable to me? <3

I say it doesn't matter;

I lie.

Secret #16;

Dear Empathy;

(OhHey!)Warning: You're not going to understand this post. Just saying. Unless you're a) a girl. And b) exactly like me, you're not going to get what I'm saying.
It's a ramble.
So be prepared.


So, I have discovered that I'm somewhat of an empath. A bad one, to be sure, but I am. What the heck is an empath, you ask? Ahem, definition time: Empath (n.) "An individual marked by an acute sensitivity to the feeling of others". Interesting no? No, Phoebe, this is stupid. No, I have a reason for this, really. (Okay, maybe not. Maybe I'm trying to figure this out and this post is the only way I have of doing that.)


So, the good sides to being an empath: Well one is that I can relate to people, most of the time. Even if I've never been through the exact same thing, being able to pick up on emotions and stress almost makes me feel like I have, if that makes any sense.
Also, I can tell when enough is enough. Example: Jokes. Sometimes they go too far and the person really does get offended. I usually drop off or try to change the subject if I see that happening.
Strong emotions, I pick up on very quickly. It's how I've made my closest friends.


And the bad: I allow everything to influence my own emotions and stress. This is why I'm not a good empath. Every emotion that gets filtered through my seemingly hard shell hits my ravaged brain and oops! I start feeling exactly how the person I just talked to is feeling. If they don't like a certain person, I start having doubts about that person too. If they are feeling depression, bad things ensue.(This latter part is especially dangerous to me. You know what I'm talking about.) This is why I'm attracted (like, as in, attracted attracted) to guys who can cool their emotions, at least more than I can.

But I think the good outweigh the bad. (Supposedly I'm a good lover and/or friend for life? But literally crushed if my trust is abused. According to stuff I read about empaths anyway. Interesting.)


I just took up a whole post talking about myself. I feel conceited now. Awesome.